...But Someone’s Gotta do it

“Ah hell...” Kitty said as she ran down the dimly lit hallway. She frantically hit the button on her com-link.

“Anytime now Illyana...unless you want to explain my involuntary cremation to the Mishpoche back home!” she shouted into the small device, narrowly dodging a shot from the rapidly firing energy rifles.

“I’m running into a little interference myself. Can’t you just phase?” Illyana said, as the sounds of her own fight went on in the background. Kitty nearly tripped as she rounded the corner, just barely dodging another energy blast. She looked up and saw she had just run into a dead-end. Kitty roughly grabbed the com-link.

“If I do that I will destroy the device and your brutal death will have been for nothing,” she warned, referring to the package tucked under her arm.

“I may be in a bit of a spot, but I’ll live.” Illyana replied over the com-link.

“We’ll see...” Kitty said, threateningly.

“Okay, okay I'm coming,” she said, as she heard a man’s scream over the com-link. Suddenly, a golden portal appeared in front of her and her best friend Illyana emerged from it, lunging forward; she grabbed Kitty and the two of them disappeared back into the vortex. Two seconds later, the men chasing Kitty rounded the corner, their energy rifles poised and ready. To their shock, the quarry was gone. They paused for a moment in silence.

“Somos tan muertos,” the leader said, matter-of-factly.

“Usted apuesta su asno que somos,” another said, the rest nodding.

“Truco bastante fresco sin embargo,” the one next to the leader suddenly said, which was promptly met with a smack upside the head.

---

“Oh yeah, now I see that dead-end on the blueprints,” Doug said, with a slight laugh as Illyana held a raging Kitty back. The blond boy leaned over the main table, ignorantly gazing at the plans for the building that the girls had just narrowly escaped.

“What? It was an honest mistake! There was some ketchup...or something...what do you think that is?” he said turning to the girls, promptly greeted with Kitty’s red mask of anger. “...And I’ll just let you cool off for awhile,” he said quickly shutting up. Kitty lowered her flailing hands and closed her eyes.

“Lord, give me strength,” Kitty said, shaking her head. She was pacing back and forth in between the main console for the computer and the meeting table. They were in their “real” headquarters, the silver/gray walls covered with sci-fi looking screens and gadgets, a huge room zed computer standing at the end of room, and their futuristic-looking meeting table sporting several buttons and gadgets of it’s own. Their public office was upstairs, closer to the expected noir-ish Sam Spade type of surroundings. They couldn’t always hide all the weirdness, but luckily, their customers knew they specialized in mysteries of a more “super” nature.

“Anyways...” Illyana said, with a loud clearing of her throat, “...at least we got what we went in there for: This obnoxiously stickered I-Pod and that Playstation thing.” The young blond said, motioning to the two objects on the table.

“You went to all that trouble for an I-Pod and a Playstation?!?!” a robotic voice from behind them said.

They turned to see Warlock hover into the room, the robot that Doug had made many years ago. He had found the parts at a crash site they were investigating of possible extraterrestrial origins. The pieces of machinery seemed to already have intelligence and once Doug had assembled them into a form he had designed, they sprang to life. It was at that very crash site where the strange being that was now messing with a Playstation came from.

“Lockheed, get away from that!” Doug yelled. The small dragon-like creature turned his head up, facing the young man, and let out a deep throaty growl before quickly scrambling on to Kitty’s shoulder.

“Hello! Over here! Question asked, no answer received!” Warlock said, impatiently. The Robot made a cybernetic sound similar to a forced sigh as he rolled the flower sticker covered I-Pod around in his hand.

“Because, despite its appearance. it has more on it than Hillary Duff.” Kitty said, as she took it away from Warlock. Lockheed made a small snarl at the mention of that name.

“I take it you’re not a fan ‘Heed?”

“Well, who does that has a brain?” Doug asked with an exaggerated smirk.

“Give it up Ramsey, we all saw that CD in your closet.” Illyana said with a grin.

“I was holding it for a friend!” Doug shouted, half angrily, half ashamed. Kitty ignored him and focused more on the device in her hand. She hooked it into her computer system and suddenly there was a fuzzy sound as its contents began to play.

“///yes sir// the program is going well///” A young female voice said. The recording continued breaking up every few seconds.

“How///mutants did you/// today?” an older man’s voice inquired.

“Over///twenty, sir,” the young woman said.

“You///begin the process///,” asked the older male voice.

The entire group had sat in silence during this exchange. The silence lasted a few seconds after the recording shut down.

“Damn! No names...” Warlock interjected into the quiet room, “well this was one giant waste of time.” Warlock sighed in robotic frustration.

“It’s okay we can still work off the one name we do have and we haven‘t decrypted the disc in the Playstation over there,” he said, pointing to the game box.

“Yes, but we still know so little about this Peter Merkel,” Illyana said, petting Lockheed’s head. The small beast made a sound not unlike a purr at the sorceress’s touch.

“Well, we’re about to know a lot more!” Doug said, his finger pointed upwards as if he had just had the most brilliant of ideas. He dashed into a side room, spurred by his stroke of genius.

“Why, you found something?” Kitty asked. Doug came over, clearly hiding something behind his back.

“Not yet, but we will!” He said slamming his mystery object down on the table.

“It’s a phonebook,” Illyana said, after a few moments.

“Very observant.” Doug teased.

“No, I mean we just can’t look him up, there must be...a lot of...”

“Two...there are two Peter Merkels in the book.” Doug interrupted.

“Well, this just takes all the fun out of the job.” Kitty said.

---

“Ouch!” Illyana yelped, as Doug smacked her shoulder. “Damn it Doug!”

“Sorry, there was a bug.” Doug shifted in his kneeling position.

“Will you two shut it for two seconds! This is not exactly the best way to have a stakeout.” Kitty snapped, peering through the bushes which they were sitting in. From where they crouched, they had a perfect view of the quaint old house that belonged to the second Peter Merkel.

“Nothing’s happening,” Illyana said finally, continuing to glare at her watch.

“It will,” Kitty said, defiantly.

“We may be wrong again,” Doug sighed.

“The first Peter Merkel was a 90 year old, retired Jehovah's witness who hit on me, Doug, and his own coat rack for the love of God,” Illyana lamented.

“The guy will be here and he will be the guy we’re looking for,” Kitty said very emphatically. Suddenly, they all heard a muffled sound.

“What is that noise, it sounds like music?” Doug asked.

“Is that ‘Jesus of Suburbia‘?” Kitty asked, perplexed.

“Oh God, my cell phone,” Illyana said in realization, as she tore through the contents of her coat.

“Illyana, we are going for subtle here,” Kitty stressed.

“It’s probably just big brother,” Illyana said, rolling her eyes.

“Ooh, let me talk to him,” Kitty pleaded, thoughts of being discreet seemingly forgotten.

“God, put it back in your pants, Pryde,” Illyana retorted, as she flipped the phone open. “Pete, I really can’t talk now. No, I know. What? Oh please, probation, shmomation. I can’t talk now, I’m hanging up now...bye...goodbye Piotr...GOODBYE!” she shouted, slamming the phone shut.

“Can we just get back to this now?” Doug inquired, exasperated.

“What did Pete have to say?” Kitty asked, not acknowledging Doug's request at all.

“Should I use my invisibility for good or for evil?” Doug said sarcastically.

“Shut up, someone’s coming!” Kitty dove to the ground, followed shortly by the others. A frumpy looking old codger of a man hobbled up the walkway towards the rustic house. They silently watched him as he fumbled with his keys, wheezing incessantly all the while.

“Ooh, scary...” Illyana remarked, under her breath.

“Will you shut up?!” Kitty snapped back.

“Who’s there?” the old man said, peaking through the bushes.

“Great going, Kitty!” Doug shouted, as the three of them exited the bushes. For a solid minute the four of them just stared at each other.

“We’re...uh...with the gardener.” Doug said finally, pointing back to the bushes.

“The gardener?” the elderly man asked apprehensively.

“Yes, these bushes are in a desperate need of...a...” Doug said, his voice trailing off.

“De...frag...u...ma...lation... a desperate need for a defragumalation!” Kitty stammered and finally shouted.

“Yes, a defragumalation!” the other two said in unison.

“Why don’t you kids come inside?” he offered, in a kindly manner.

“Sure,” Kitty said hesitantly. As the wobbling old man walked ahead of them, Kitty tentatively followed. Illyana and Doug shared a cautious look before they followed her inside.

“Would you kids like some cider or something?” the old man said calmly.

“No, no, we don’t want to take up your time, we’re just taking care of the de...defrash...you know the problem, Mr. Merkel,” Kitty said firmly, “by the way, have you, uh, seen our friend here?” she said, passing the old man a picture. The man slowly took the photo into his chubby fingers and looked it over. He pushed his glasses up and down his face and made a grunt or two before handing the photo back to her.

“No, I can’t say I have,” he said, kindly.

“She’s been missing for several weeks now,” Illyana pushed.

“Well, I hope you find your friend, but you know these mutant kids they tend to run away from their troubles. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found,” he said in a gentle tone.

“That is true,” Doug said, nodding. Meanwhile Kitty and Illyana shared a look before Illyana slammed her hand down on the table.

“We never told you she was a mutant.” The blonde sorceress said angrily.

“Well of course you did, it's one of the first things you said.” His eyes shifted back and forth nervously.

“No. No we didn’t.” Doug said firmly. The man looked as if he was going to defend himself further before a giddy and malicious smile crawled across his face. He raised his arm and suddenly it melted into a clay substance, flying out towards Illyana.

“Illyana!” Doug shouted, as he ran for his friend. She was completely covered, unable to focus on summoning a portal. Kitty leaped over the kitchen table towards the man and just as her foot was about to connect with his head, it morphed out of the way, causing her to crash into the wall. Doug watched in horror as the man changed into the form of a young girl, still suffocating Illyana with her morphed hand and arm. In a flash of movement, Doug ran outside as fast as he could. The girl swerved her head all the way around to face what she thought would be a bleeding unconscious Kitty. Suddenly she found there was no one there. Before she could prepare herself, a fist came out of nowhere, causing the girl to scream in pain. Kitty fully phased herself out of the wall/floor and prepared to strike again.

Doug noisily and unexpectedly burst back into the room with a garden hose in his hand. He turned it on full blast and let loose at the girl, who screamed. She began to melt away, freeing Illyana. The blonde fell to the floor as she spit up clay. Kitty ran over to her as Doug continued his assault.

“Suck this!” Doug shouted at the girl, who was trying her best to flee but continued to liquidate. Illyana coughed and spat up some more, struggling for breath. When finally she mustered up the strength to speak, Illyana asked in a mocking tone,

“suck this?”

“Oh yeah, she’s going to be just fine.” Doug said, as he watched the muddy puddle drip helplessly through the cracks in the floor.

“I am fine. A couple buckets full of wet dirt ain’t going to stop the great-couple-more-greats-granddaughter of Grigory Rasputin!” she shouted defiantly and yet emptily.

“You done?” Kitty asked.

“Yeah, let’s go.” She said putting her arm around Kitty’s shoulder as she and Doug helped her walk out the door.

---

“Okay, here is what we have so far.” Kitty started, as she paced in front of the main meeting table. “Karen Beecher discovered her mutant powers and, in her confusion and fear, found comfort in the all too good to be true embrace of the Dolls. The Dolls, a-so-called reach-out program for wayward teens, is in fact a front for a cult; specifically a cult of mutants. Most human joinees seem to find themselves mysteriously happy again and seek out their parents and old life after a few weeks, maybe even days, while mutants seem to need the Dolls’ help much, much longer. Karen finds out a little more than she bargained for and, instead of making a handy-dandy 911 call, she instead decides to do a little amateur undercover work. She does do one smart thing - keep this ever-so-helpful journal,” Kitty said, motioning to the cell phone on the table. “Which, though heavily encrypted and in her own little code, did lead us to the evidence she had against this Peter Merkel, the leader of the Dolls -- sometimes solely referred to as Ragdoll,” she said, now motioning to the I-Pod and the disc found in the Playstation. “Which, in a plot twist that even I did not see coming, leads us to a Mexican crime syndicate sporting energy rifles, who got to the evidence just before we could for reasons I myself am still unsure of, leading us to almost die through no fault of her own.” Kitty said as she smacked Doug upside the head.

“I said I was sorry!” Doug shouted.

“Anyways,” Kitty continued. “That leaves us with out failed recon mission to one Mister Peter Merkel - leaving us in the clutches of Little Miss Playdough back there,” Kitty said as she took her seat at the meeting table.

“You’ve got to admit, nobody does a good recap like our fearless leader,” Warlock said sarcastically. Lockheed hopped off of where he had been resting on Illyana’s shoulder and advanced over the table to come eye-to-eye with Warlock.

“Grrrrrrghhh!!!!” he snarled.

“Easy Dino,” Warlock said, hovering over to a new spot.

“So, Kitty, Plan B would be?” Doug asked. Kitty walked away from them a bit and opened a metal drawer in the nearby wall.

“I’m so glad you asked,” she said, still facing away from them.

“Oh no...” Doug said suddenly. Kitty turned, showing she held a crimson red wig and a black bag, labeled ‘color contacts’.

“Oh, yes, it’s undercover time!” Illyana said, excited. An audible groan escaped Doug’s lips as the girls smiled widely.

“This...is going to be fun!” Kitty said emphatically.

---

A knee-high leather boot knocked the door open as the three figures dramatically made their way into the Dolls’ teen shelter. Most in the room turned and looked at the newcomers as they made their way to the main desk. The boy had slicked back black hair and wore dark sunglasses with a gothic getup; complete with a black shirt with fishnet sleeves, spiked collars and armbands. The girl next to him had long cherry red hair and wore a black leather tube top, an aviator jacket and black leather short shorts. The main girl walking in front of them had black leather skirt with embroidered fire designs, an untucked, misbuttoned black silk shirt and red-streaked black hair that fell over her face.

“May I...uh help you?” The secretary said hesitantly.

“Yes, we would of course like to talk to the head man himself,” the lead girl said, leaning over the desk.

“Mister Merkel has gone home for the day,” she replied.

“Been there, done that,” the boy said under his breath, to which the second girl nudged him roughly in the rib.

“Well, then, that’s a shame; he is such an inspiration to us. As mutants, like him, he has been such a...guiding star for us.” The main girl said.

“You’re mutants?” the secretary said, her interest piqued.

“Oh yes. Our parents...they disowned us,” she said, tears streaming down her face.

“You poor dears,” she said sympathetically, but not quite convincingly. “What are you’re names?” she asked, lifting up her clipboard and pen.

“Kristen...Kristen Bell,” the lead girl said.

“Amanda Seyfried,” the second girl said.

“Percy Daggs,” the boy said. He winked and pointed to the secretary, “...the Third!” he said very self-importantly and dramatically. The woman dutifully wrote all of these down, and much to Doug’s disappointment, she seemed none-to-impressed with his name.

“Take these cards; they go to your rooms. Right down that hall,” the woman said, pointing. “Ragdoll will want to meet with you in the morning and give you a proper welcome,” she said smiling.

“I cannot wait,” Kristen said as she walked.